You’ve come up with a screenplay that has the potential to be lively and fun and score highly on both the romance and comedy levels. I particularly like the way you’ve given each of your protagonists a hinterland and populated it with believable family members and ex-boyfriends so we know where they’re coming from as well as where they’re going. The girls are spunky and determined without being overbearing, a sort of working-class version of the Sex In the City girls, so we root for them to fulfill their dreams.
 
However (there’s always a however, right?), having said that, I think you need to develop both the three leads and your supporting characters more. Too often their motivations are not credible and their actions seem to arise from the demands of the plot more than as the inevitable result of their personalities. Consequently, many situations seem strained and artificial, which has a deleterious effect on the comedy element. Humor, as I’m sure you’ve been told a million times, arises out of character but too often here you’re trying to raise a laugh by creating a “humorous” situation, even though it makes your characters look cartoonish and unbelievable and in fact works against raising a laugh. Don’t worry about creating “funny” situations or “humorous” characters. Just make your characters more real, clarify their goals and what they’re willing to do or not do to realize them, and the humor will take care of itself.  Similarly, don’t worry about creating “funny” dialogue. Focus on creating believable relationships and as long as you are attuned to their inherent ironies and incongruities, the humor will arise naturally.
 
Finally, you need to think about where you want to pitch this in terms of sophistication. Miss Congeniality? Richard Curtis? American Pie? Right now it’s all over the map, which doesn’t really work. Saturday Night Fever might be a good reference point as, even though it’s a different genre, it’s a very similar story of someone from the wrong side of the bridge-and-tunnel yearning for the glamorous life.

CHARACTER AND DIALOGUE

I think you need to differentiate between the girls more, especially between Theresa and Dina. Make their individual aspirations clear, especially with regard to what they really hope to get out of the New York experience. This might be about more than snagging rich husbands (though initially the girls might think that’s what it’s about), which these days is kind of an old-fashioned goal. Maybe Dina is a traditional gold digger but what Theresa wants is professional recognition, while Cece wants true love. It should be about increasing their opportunities, broadening their horizons, and fulfilling their potential, not just getting more material things. These somewhat more abstract goals (though it’s fine to have one purely material girl) would make us root for them more. We would also root for them more if they were drawn in more depth and we had more sense of the internal obstacles each of them has to overcome. What toll does this impersonation take on them? Do they worry that the false persona is taking over from the real one? At the moment their depiction is too shallow. We see how their circumstances change but we don’t get a sense of how they change.
   
You also need to flesh out your supplementary characters more. Why does Gigi, who’s just met them, devote so much time and energy to transforming them? What’s in it for her? Also, she disappears for much of the script and then suddenly comes back. Have they kept in touch? What’s she’s been doing all this time? What are Gigi’s goals? Suddenly at the end she’s opened this boutique – this needs to be set up better in that we need to be made aware that she has something like this in mind. Is there something the girls do for her to say thank you or is it a one-way street?

The Carter-Theresa relationship is not as involving as it should be because he’s so sketchily drawn. Why is he in these financial straits? The scene with his father hints that it’s nothing new. Why did he fall off the rails? How does he support himself? Does he live off rich women or what (that’s what you imply with all the Breakfast at Tiffany’s stuff)? How did he end up in this situation? You need to think about the dynamics of their relationship – what pulls them together, what’s keeping them apart – much more carefully. The idea that they’re both imposters is a good one – now you’ve got to make more of it and exploit its full potential.

As for the entire Hamlisch family, do you remember I said I was hoping for satire as opposed to broad stereotyping? The fat Jewish momma’s boy who’s clueless about women, the overbearing Jewish mother – not going to win prizes for originality, is it? You’ve got to make these characters three-dimensional and give their relationship some thought. Maybe Yetta is worried about Melvin and would like him to be less dependent. Uncle Morty is more a plot device than a character. Please kill him off. Same goes for Helga, the “comedy” German maid whose sole purpose seems to be to make unfunny interventions by repeating “ja”.
   
The best-drawn characters, interestingly, are all the Jersey crew. In fact, all the Jersey scenes have a naturalness and ease that disappears once the girls move across the Hudson. Similarly, the Jersey dialogue is much more natural than the social crowd, who pretty much all sound awkward and stiff. They should speak with authority, which is different than sounding like you swallowed a thesaurus. Also, every place you have a double entendre, cut it out (unless you’re aiming for the Porky’s audience, because on the whole they sound adolescent, not sophisticated) and think of alternate ways you can make the moment sexy and funny, maybe by showing us how the characters’ behavior is different from how we know they are dying to behave. On the whole your dialogue needs to be more sparkling. Cut anything strained or clunky. If it’s too obvious, it’s a sign that the character is not sufficiently developed and you’re trying to force the humor to cover for this.

Have you written bios for your six main characters and listed what their internal and external goals are along with the internal and external obstacles preventing them from realizing those goals? Have you plotted out the course of each main relationship (and this includes Gigi and the girls and Melvin and Yetta)l? This might help ensure the characters’ actions seem natural and not contrived.

PLOT AND STRUCTURE
   
These three-protagonist structures are tricky because you’ve got to keep a lot of balls in the air at the same time and on the whole you’ve done a good job of weaving the narrative lines together. But you need to find a way of creating your crucial plot intersections without creating these contrived, artificial situations. I’m thinking especially here of Melvin going into the wrong bedroom. He’s twice Nick’s size, smells and sounds different, and she wouldn’t notice it’s not the same guy on top of her? Believe me, a girl would know. It just strains credulity. As well, too many scenes depend on characters being unbelievably dumb, like the girls not realizing they’re in a gay bar, the patrons of the gay bar not realizing they’re real women as opposed to drag queens, or Uncle Morty not realizing Gigi is a guy. I know, I know, Some Like It Hot, but in the 1950s most people had never seen a drag queen. Now they’re hard to avoid.
   
Instead of this rather contrived plot device of Uncle Morty falling for Gigi and bankrolling her boutique, what if Yetta and Gigi bond and decide to open a boutique catering for the larger lady? It’s certainly something they would have in common. As well, this subplot would enable us to see other aspects of their characters

Also, the girls’ transition to ladyhood seems to happen awfully painlessly. In My Fair Lady we’re acutely aware of how much of a struggle it’s been for Eliza so her moment of triumph truly feels earned. Here, Gigi just gives the girls a few tips and they’re off to the races. But in order to make their transition more significant, you need to think about what you mean by class and what they mean by class. What are they aiming for? What do you think they should be aiming for? Your depiction of High Society seems to be frozen in the 1950s. If you haven’t seen it already, I strongly urge you to check out Metropolitan (it’s set in the 70s and the characters are a bit younger but it would still be instructive) to see how debutantes and preppies really talk and behave. Nowadays lots of deluded people think Paris Hilton is classy. Would she be the girls’ role model? Maybe she would be Dina’s role model and Audrey Hepburn would be Theresa’s. And Cece’s would be…? Or maybe they all start out aspiring to be Paris Hilton and (thank God) re-assess their choices.

One big issue, and a big reason why the plot is a bit shapeless, is that the girls don’t really have an antagonist. You start to set Viv up as being out to do them down, but then she disappears. Maybe there should be someone on the other side of the river who reminds them of Viv and who keeps thwarting them. You need a villain(ness).

There are several specific plot points I feel could use some improvement, which I’ve noted below. In general, however, I think you first need to work on making your characters’ actions believable and clarifying their goals. When you’ve plotted out their advances and setbacks, resolving the structural issues should be easier.

FORMAT AND PRESENTATION

Pretty good on the whole, but watch a tendency to direct and tell the actors what their expressions should be. Write the scene effectively so we know what the characters are feeling and then trust them to convey it. You also need to watch a tendency towards incorrect homonym use (who checks the spellchecker?) and towards sometimes writing your interstitial descriptive paragraphs in a way that doesn’t quite convey what you mean. But in general presentation is fine.

THEME

Clarifying this in your mind might provide an organizing principle and a through dynamic for the whole script. Are you trying to say something about what is class and what is trash? Is class just about having the limo, the big apartment, the designer clothes, or is it about culture, education, kindness? Is it what you have or how you act? These are questions that could inform the script, and the girls’ choices, on a deeper level. Or is your theme something about friendship? Or staying true to yourself? I feel you’re trying to say something about values and how what passes for class these days is in fact anything but, but you haven’t focused it. Doing so would give your script some satiric bite. Maybe the girls transform themselves into what they (and others) think is classy but discover that they had much more true class to begin with. Deciding on your theme will also help point up the situations that are contrived and the character motivations that arise from plot requirements as opposed to inevitability.

Anyway, some specific examples which may help illustrate these points.

p.2 “bank account” – I’d reverse these lines. You’d expect the girls to go for the obvious, but if Dina corrects it to “bank account” it tells us something interesting about her priorities. Also, “penis” is a bit clinical for teenagers, no? Schlong? Salami? Something saucy but not explicit would be better.

The seamstress line would follow on better if Theresa said she wanted to be a designer rather than a model. Also this would make her sound smarter and more ambitious.

p.3 “what, pray tell, ….”

I’d have more of this scene before the nun shows up so we find out more about what they want to do when they grow up, what their dreams are. This would set up the gap between their youthful hopes and the mundane reality of their adult lives.

p.5 shears

p.6 “every woman’s fantasy” – really? Not mine, for one. I think you mean “a fantasy right out of the Diet Coke ad” because that’s what he is.

Dina and Cece’s jobs are awfully similar. Maybe they should work in different places to help distinguish between them. Perhaps Cece could be a care assistant in an old people’s home or something similar.

“her Mom, Mrs. Lachance…” awkward.  Just “her Mom gets her…” Is Lucy Vivian’s daughter or sister? Because if Lachance is Vivian’s maiden name, her daughter would have a different last name, no? And Vivian would be Mrs. Somethingelse.

p.7 “Theresa grimaces…”  don’t direct. Write the scene so we know what the character is feeling and trust your actors.

p.8 “yeah, you know I was stupid…” This whole speech needs to be tighter. “yeah, I am stupid or something - I hooked up with you. Just get me some money. Your…”

No exiting, no entering. Blah words. “Danielle rushes out…” or similar tells us more. Or cut altogether – it’s clear that she’s left. Likewise, “Dina goes to the refrigerator” is enough.

p.9 “I thought he fixed….” Who talks to themselves like this except in movies, unless they’re mentally ill? She could yell “Joey, I thought I told you to fix…”

“she realizes….close it.” Is this what you mean to say? Sounds like you’re saying she closes the familiar noise. You sometimes need to think more carefully about what you’re writing.

“Dina curiously wanders” – see above. I don’t think this is what you mean to say, is it? “Propelled by curiosity, Dina wanders...” or something is more like it.

“… like a cow eating grass” is better

Save her worrying about the pillows until the very end after he’s left. Is it believable pillows would be on her mind at this moment? Not especially funny because strains credulity. However, to have her notice the pillows after he’s left is both believable and a nice telling detail.

p.10 “Joey, who is running…” the way it’s written now it sounds like she’s the one running like a burnt chicken.

p.11 “Dina and Cece exchange…” “Dina shakes her head...” – don’t direct. It’s fine to tell us what a reaction is if it’s unexpected (“as the coffin is lowered into the ground, she starts smiling broadly”) but otherwise don’t state the obvious.

p.12 “can land a man…”  Theresa did land a man, she just isn’t happy with her catch.  Maybe “a man with bucks” or something.

p.13 “oh no, we cannot move…” a bit stiff. I’d cut this line altogether.

Would Cece really suggest they don’t have courage and brains? Or maybe she feels she isn’t equal to the task, but would she really say the same about her friends? Maybe “money and connections” would be a better choice. Also more accurate.

“a tough heart” -  “ a hide like a rhino” might be more what she means.

“those ritzy and classy types” “millions of others have” – awkward. Try saying aloud.
Maybe “we’re pure Jersey” and then just “so what?” Tighter and more to the point.

p.14 Cut Theresa’s dialogue down here – too wordy.

“Dina, you want to end up doing nails…” Cece does the nails, confuses them even more.

p.15 “I want a home…” Theresa seems to want the suburban dream, so why is she moving to the city? You might want her goal to be something about becoming a designer, getting her talent recognized. This could also help differentiate the girls more: Theresa wants the career, Dina wants to be a trophy wife, Cece wants true love and kids. Maybe Theresa wants a man who will be supportive of her career aspirations and you could make it clear in earlier scenes that this was one of the main things that broke her and Frankie up.

“no – penis” - wasn’t that funny the first time. Maybe this could be a variation on the earlier scene, e.g. Cece says “I just want a good man with a big….” Then the others chime in “salami [or whatever]” and she says “heart”.  Again, an opportunity to differentiate them more. Also, maybe at the very end we get Theresa’s variation on this theme.

No more “tur-rash” please. I’m not sure rich husbands should be the goal for all of them, because it gives them all the same dream. To pull this scene off you really need to be clear on what each of them wants and why each of them is ready to move. Think of it like The Wizard of Oz - one wants a brain, one a heart, etc. Maybe a better line would be something like “men who can give us what we deserve.”

“break out in approving smiles” – boring and don’t direct. Maybe they have some girlhood bonding ritual we’ve seen before which they perform at this point, e.g. “they knock their fists together then twiddle their fingers like they’re scattering dust” or whatever.

p.16 “practically…” wordy. “Just over the river” is enough. You need to illustrate more about why moving is such a big deal even though the two places are geographically so close. People over here in London, for example, may not be aware of the whole B&T dynamic.

p.18 “one-eyed willy” – “one-eyed trouser snake” is the classic phrase. But something simpler like “Mr. Happy” might be better.

p.19 “we got big breasts” – stating the obvious rarely funny and sounds more like something a man thinks he would say if he were a woman. Maybe “we got… (she jiggles her impressive cleavage) personality.”

“await an apartment…” flowery. “are waiting to look at an apartment”.

“stench”? How very high-tone. “smell”, surely.

“Lovely” – “oh, terrific” sounds more like her.

p. 20 “No, this is…” that’s more like it!

p. 21 You may not want to specify the Plaza. Better an imaginary swanky hotel so you have some flexibility in where you can shoot. And the Plaza isn’t what it was.

“soakin’ your head…” who would say this? “those bleach fumes must be getting to you again” more natural.

“Apartment for sublet” – stiff. “Hey, anyone lookin’ for a sublet?”

p.22 Cut Theresa and Cece’s line

“If they could…” they who?

This whole idea that they’ve loaded up the U-haul and brought everything they own over to the city before they’ve found a place to live strains credulity. Are they so dumb they wouldn’t take the PATH train over one day when they’re unencumbered by luggage and check out the situation first? It’s not like you need a passport and several days to get from NJ to NY. Consequently, this whole fleabag apartment scene is one of these contrived “humorous” situations that isn’t very funny because it’s not believable. I’d cut this hotel scene as well for similar reasons. Theresa wants money to buy her daughter nice things, so as soon as she gets some she blows it on a swanky hotel? Shouldn’t one of them be vaguely practical and suggest using the money for something else, like a deposit? Going to the expensive hotel makes them look both grasping and clueless, and turning up with a U-Haul makes them look really clueless.  Also, the Desk Clerk would not be so blatantly snotty. Desk staff at any top hotel are impeccably polite to everyone, plus it’s absurd that they wouldn’t take cash (are you kidding? They’d fall on it and kiss your feet). Did you see the episode of The Sopranos where Tony checked into the Plaza on short notice? He’s plenty Joisey and no one turned up their nose. Gilligan’s Island reference will be mystifying to young persons and non-Americans. I’d cut both these sequences and instead have maybe a brief scene of them apartment hunting (sans U-Haul) and realizing they can’t afford much, moving into the Y, and then get right into their meeting Gigi and establishing that relationship.

p.27 “wild and crazy girls” – not quite right for this context

p.28 “rat-infested” – does this sound like her? “dump crawlin’ with rats”.

“how drab…”  awkward. “how boring it is. All this white!”

p.29 “leopard-skin colored”. It’s not a color, it’s a print.

p.33 I like a lot about this gay bar scene but you have to introduce more doubt. It’s ludicrous that no one would guess they were actually women, or that none of the girls would think something was a little off. Wouldn’t there be men with their arms around each other, etc? Once again, the girls look unbelievably clueless and dumb and the scene is contrived as opposed to funny because it relies on behavior that isn’t credible.

p.38 Just “Fairy Godmother”. “might just have what you need” – don’t repeat ticket.

“pour their drink into a glass and sip”. Why is Gigi doing this for the girls? You need to develop this relationship more. Those benefit tickets cost hundreds of $$. How did she come by them and why is she giving them away? How did Gigi get to be such an expert on how the other half lives? Now, if it’s a post-fashion show party or something, that might make more sense. It’s entirely believable that Gigi could get tickets to such an event and entirely credible that Theresa would want to go to make connections. Also, the girls would only have to pass themselves off as stylish, not upper-crust. It’s also entirely credible that modelizer Nick would be there. As for Carter, maybe the business his father owns of which he does or does not manage a division is a high-end fashion business (his last name is really Lauren). This would give Theresa a hard-headed, as well as soft-hearted, reason for wanting to snaffle him.

p.39 This enmity with Viv hasn’t been set up well enough. They’re just jealous. She hasn’t actually done anything to them. The dialogue in this scene needs to be sharper and funnier.

p.40 lose the “tur-rash, cuh-lass”

p.41 reeks – watch homonyms

‘Nick Emery, a suave, handsome…hair. He’s surround by… mesmerized.” Too wordy, tighten up.

“pulls her purse” – what, a shoulder bag at a formal event? Gigi would be appalled!

p. 42 “curiously” – again, not what you mean. “…at her, puzzled.”

“You don’t know? “ This doesn’t sound like realistic dialogue. “oh, you mean Nick? I thought everyone knew Nick. All the girls anyway.” Don’t tell us he’s hot and eligible, show us.

“He’s a sponsor” – why would this deb be so helpful and friendly to a total stranger? This whole speech too long and awkward anyway. Maybe something like “You better take a number. Half the women here have the same idea, even if they’re married. Especially if they’re married.”

It’ll have to be a very tiny can of Vavoom to fit into an evening bag.

We need quite a bit more of Gigi grooming them for the big night. Otherwise it seems like all they need is a change of clothes, in which case the move from Passaic to Park Avenue is hardly a big deal. Are elocution lessons included?

p.44 “A phyllo…” (not philo) – cut down. “It’s a Greek appetizer. Try it. It’s good” is plenty.

“Melvin smiles” – don’t direct

p.45 seat mix-up doesn’t make any sense. Seating would be boy-girl, boy-girl.

“I’m sure you’d much rather I sat in your lap” is better. The whole table would not laugh and take her side. They don’t know her and they do know the older guy, so they’d probably freeze her out. But it’s moot – see above. In any case, my impulse would be to make this a different kind of party altogether.

p.46 “I wasn’t going to attend” – stiff. Who talks like this? Even a preppy would say “I wasn’t going to go”.

p.47 “Being the daughter” – stiff and he’d never say this. He might say “you’re Senator Rose’s daughter? You must have been everywhere twice”. But the problem with this conversation is that it’s unrealistic. It’s far more likely he would start playing “do you know…?” which is the upper-class bonding mechanism to establish who they know in common and to screen strangers, and at that point Theresa makes a claim that will get her into trouble later.

“I just adore…” what is he, a girl? “Most favorite place” – or a 12-year-old girl?

“Tuscany in Italy” – as opposed to Tuscany in Norway? Your sophisticated characters have to sound it. That doesn’t mean they sound stiff like butlers, just like they’ve been around. All you need is “I’m going to Tuscany in July. I try to go for at least a couple of weeks every year. Where are you spending the summer?”

“the British Island of…”  he sounds like an encyclopedia. “Jersey as in over there (pointing West) or Jersey as in tax-haven off the coast of France?” But everyone in NY knows what the Jersey Shore is. Again, the gag depends on a character being unrealistically dumb and so seems forced. It might work better if she mentions the Hamptons because that’s what she thinks she should say and it quickly lands her in trouble because of course he knows them well.

“allow me…” who talks like this?

“I run a subsidiary…” ditto. “I run a division of the family company”. But maybe we could get a little glimpse into his character here and get a hint of how he feels about his family and their company. Perhaps she could ask him if he likes his work. This would also establish some sort of rapport between them and set up their relationship better. It would also give Carter more depth, as you could suggest some sort of ambivalence or conflict with his family which then comes to a head in the later scene with his father. As it is, all the dialogue between them in this scene is stiff and artificial. Think about Carter in ER. He’s certainly upper-crust but he doesn’t sound unnatural.

No winking please. Only in movies do third parties not notice.

“did my father – Sen. Rose – call?” How dumb is Carter that he doesn’t think this odd? You need to make their conversation, and their relationship, less superficial. That doesn’t mean losing a light touch. This is the balancing act the best romantic comedies pull off – a light touch underpinned by genuine emotional depth. That’s what you want rather than emotionally superficial with a heavy-handed touch.

p.50 “they both exchange…” don’t direct. But the exchange is good.

p.51 “how big” - this joke is really wearing thin. “so is he a gherkin or …?” might be just about OK.

p.52 “I’m sure” – is that really what he would say? This guy has the intellectual power of a flashlight. “Do you think his position on gun control is going to hurt him?” or something vaguely more intelligent would be better. Wouldn’t she have read up on Sen. Rose knowing this date was coming up? This needs to be about her realizing there’s more to being a class act than wearing expensive clothes (a radical idea these days, I know). Speaking of which, you need to explain where the clothes are coming from sooner rather than later. This could be part of the preparation – them worrying about clothes, Gigi showing them where to get second-hand things they can alter. Plus it makes them look more intrepid and enterprising and could show off Theresa’s design skills so we know she has talent and root for her more.

Camp David gag lame.

p.54 “she flashes a stupid…” what does this mean?

“our records…” wordy.  “It appears you’ve already had a large extension in the last six months” is plenty.

Theresa stealing – classy is as classy does. Do you want us to see her as a plucky underdog or as a sleazeball on the make?

p.55 A toilet attendant is going to have $300 worth of tips? I want that job. And he’ll give up cash for some cufflinks? Another scene that strains credulity.

“yes, I see” – blah line. Let’s find out why he’s willing to do the deal.

p.57 helicopter – a fun idea but they’d be dead in three minutes. Planes are one thing – helicopters you have to pay attention.

“knowing smirks” – it’s the Desk Clerk problem again. A top maitre d’ would never do such a thing. Nor would he make double entendres about customers. “We make special allowances for regular customers” or something is plenty.

“Dina glances at her watch” – it better be a good fake. If it’s cheap, Nick would notice.

“I like to ride my…” He’d never say this. “I like to go riding on a beach in the Hamptons. I’ve got three horses there”. Maybe he could wax affectionate about the horses so we see he does have a heart somewhere. Are you allowed to ride on beaches in the Hamptons? Anyway, as a hobby it’s awfully romantic and soft-focus for him. Maybe he plays polo in the Hamptons – more aggressive and competitive - and keeps a polo pony there.

Blood-rare

p.60 “a customary bottle of fine wine” – who talks like this? “Always bring a bottle of wine… hostess. And no Red Burgundy [or whatever cheap wine the girls would know] – it’s gotta be the good stuff.”

“I don’t think…hops” – who talks like this? And why not? Maybe just “I don’t think our Mr. Hamlisch is the beer type, do you?”

p.61 “fetch” – would he really say this? “Get my mother.”

Gigi’s invited as well – Melvin’s cool with mixed race drag queens? How did Cece explain the relationship? Why are all the girls invited anyway? Let’s see that scene where he suggests an intimate family dinner and Cece talks him into inviting everyone else because she wants the moral support – you’re letting a possible humor opportunity get away as well as a chance to show us more about Cece and Melvin and their relationship.

p.62 Yetta a caricature, not a character. And it’s not like we haven’t seen the overbearing Jewish mother before. Dial her down and make her more real.

No “puh-leaze” please. Yetta doesn’t notice Gigi’s a man? You’re relying a lot on people being dumb and oblivious. It would be more interesting if she does realize Gigi’s a tranny but overcomes her reservations and bonds with her (him) anyway.

Cut down Yetta’s speech. Good that she’s down-to-earth but could she be just a tad less obvious?

p.63 “his face resting in a bowl”. Heavy-handed, unrealistic, not funny.

“there’s a corpse…” again, relying on your characters being dumb.

p.64 “Nobody’s perfect” – I don’t think you can appropriate this gag. Also, it will encourage people to draw invidious comparisons.

Out-of-it old people – another stereotype.

Easier to say “island of Jersey. In the English channel.” But why trot out this rather creaky routine again anyway? Why even bring Short Hills into it? Yetta and Melvin do not seem like the kind of people who would be put off by a working-class background. They’re not all that hoity-toity or gemutlich themselves. Or maybe that’s something Cece (or Dina) comes to realize.

p.66 You really can’t turn Uncle Morty into Joe E. Lewis. It will come across as derivative rather than as an homage. I’d get rid of him altogether – he seems extraneous and is not particularly funny.

It’s ja, not ya, but see comment above on Uncle Morty. Goes double for Helga.

This scene goes on way too long and there’s got to be more of a point to it.

p.67 This Uncle Morty-Gigi stuff must go.

“to see crazy” – they’re not particularly crazy, just clownish.

p.70 “Those exact same dresses” – don’t tell us what we’ve already seen. It would be good to get more details about how they’re managing to survive and see examples of how their ingenuity is helping them pull off the masquerade.

Let’s not use the word “fat” 20 times in a row.

p.71 “Gucci’s store”. Absolutely not. “Gucci Boutique”.

Savoir-faire

p.72 “Your grand…”

p.73 no shrugging – don’t direct

p.74 “had to bribe my second cousin twice removed, Sarah, to….” Say these lines aloud - do they sound natural?

“the other night?” - is this meant to be a question?

Could we not hear the word fat in connection with Melvin again? Also, these pickle double-entendres labored. Enough already.

p.75 “that natural aroma” – who talks like this?

“A pickle potpourri” – where does this come from?

“Try my short…” not any better the second time around.

Why is he proposing? Why is he jumping to the conclusion that she’ll say yes? You’ve got to set this up better. Too much of people acting out of plot demands instead of character. Again, make your characters more three-dimensional and their motivations more believable and the plot will develop more organically.

p.77 reeks

p.78 Would Joey say “confirmed”? “Back him up” maybe. These Jersey scenes are the most lively and natural, and the characters are the most effectively drawn.

p.79 “indifferently with a stone face” – repetitive. One or the other is fine.

p.80 “screaming and yelling” – would he ever have indulged in this un-WASPy behavior?

“Critically altered” – what does this mean? Significantly or dramatically altered maybe. Whole sentence is awkward. “…corner, again wearing the dress from the benefit, now dramatically altered and heavily…”

p.81 Oh puh-leaze, like she wouldn’t have seen Breakfast at Tiffany’s? The woman has fashion aspirations – she’d have seen it several times. That said, we still have only a very limited idea of Theresa’s aspirations, what makes her tick.

She wouldn’t recognize the suit?

p.84 Why are we being given a plot summary of another movie? Not very exciting cinematically, is it? Make your points of reference to other films implicit not explicit. Let us figure them out for ourselves. Again, explicit references will just encourage invidious comparisons. Plus this makes her look really dumb again – she needs Carter to recap the plot of a movie she just saw? I’d cut this Breakfast at Tiffany’s stuff altogether.

Prances? There goes the sophisticated image.

p.85 “There is a spark…” show, don’t tell. “Exchange warm smiles” – don’t direct.

“could you get Carter…” such informality avant les domestiques would make Carter suspicious. It’s not the way you talk to the doorman.

p.86 carat

p.88 “look at the… to look at”. Can you rephrase? Watch lazy writing.

No smiling – don’t direct. If you want to describe non-verbal reactions, make them more significant. An action would be better. “Dina chokes on her drink”.

p.91 This Senator Rose business is becoming increasingly hard to swallow.  If Carter moves in rooty-toot circles he would probably know what Sen. Rose’s daughter looks like, or at least would mention “Terri” to people who know the real thing. “My Dad. I thought you meant my Grandad” – a lame response and so makes Carter look really dumb that he just accepts all this. Another scene that’s contrived because it depends on characters being unnaturally slow on the uptake. I’d reconsider introducing this particular impersonation – doesn’t really go anywhere anyway. She could just pretend she’s the daughter of some made-up rich person who lives far, far away.

p.93 Has Melvin not slept with Cece? Are we to believe he proposed anyway? If she wants to discourage his attentions, why does she tell him which room she’s in? Also, a more ambiguous answer would better explain why Melvin goes into the wrong room.

p.94 Completely unbelievable that Dina wouldn’t realize it isn’t Nick after about one second. Either she’s enjoying herself and decides to pretend not to notice or else she does notice and reacts.

p.96 “they scream and reach climax…” Unpleasant surprises usually act as an anti-aphrodisiac. Melvin must be quite a guy. This whole Dina-Melvin thing needs to be less contrived. Perhaps excessive alcohol (for them, not you) might help.

p.96 sheer terror

p.99 Please, no more Helga the “comic” German maid

p.100 No winking. Don’t telegraph your intention.

Again, hard to believe he’s so busy with wedding plans when they hardly have any visible relationship and she’s clearly not into him. Cece is the least developed of the girls and Melvin is a cartoon more than a real character. If he had such a great time in bed with Dina, wouldn’t he be reconsidering?

p.101 Pickle G-string – clownish, not funny. Ditto Helga.

p.102 At the risk of sounding like the Grammar and Usage Police, “curiously” is used incorrectly again. It means in a way that invites curiosity, not in a way that expresses curiosity. Maybe “inquisitively”.

p.103 Wouldn’t Joey notice how different she not only looks but perhaps also seems in a larger sense? Presumably their hair, makeup, and jewelry are all different as well as their clothes. If the way they talk, move, and behave is different when they’re being chic New York girls, do they revert to their former selves when dealing with people from their Jersey lives? Or only to some extent? Or not at all? You need to think about to what extent each girl changes more than superficially, and how this manifests itself. Could they go back to their old selves even if they wanted to? Does this bother them?

He’s a salesman

p.104 No one calls it the “New York Philharmonic” in conversation and non-New Yorkers may not know what the Philharmonic is. She can just say she really enjoyed the concert and then maybe something that shows us classical music is a new but enjoyable experience for her.

“A lady does need…” awk. Maybe “what about my beauty sleep?” But all these chaste relationships are straining credulity, unless men in New York have changed a lot. How long have they been going out – weeks, no? There’s got to be some reason why he’s put up with this sexless state of affairs, like he sees her as a meal ticket just as she sees him. But this isn’t at all clear and you need to let us know why he’s being so patient. Again, unnatural behavior for plot purposes.

How come Theresa hasn’t brought up the suit? This is a perfect opportunity for her to ask him why he’s buying his suits from charity shops.

Cut the smiling – don’t direct

p.107 No exchanging smiles

“Neither did I”

This whole African-decorated apartment thing and the masks and the allusion to Breakfast at Tiffany’s is – I’m sorry to use this word again – terribly contrived. Build to some turning point in their relationship rather than this artificial “comic” situation. Maybe Theresa thinks Carter can help her professionally because of his family’s company, maybe Carter thinks Theresa is from a rich family and can bail him out of debt, and maybe having broken up because they’ve discovered the truth about each other they now find they can actually help each other, for example perhaps Theresa’s design skills save some project that Carter’s father entrusted to him.

p.110 Thanks for picking me up, girls

You ungrateful bitch – watch stray commas

Gigi has really disappeared from view until now. She needs to be woven into the fabric of the story more.

p.111 Who would wear a mink coat in a beauty salon? Overdone so not funny. Doesn’t mean she can’t swan around in it when she arrives.

“Enh” – blah line

p.112 Lots more smiling. I suspect you put this in to tread water when you should be including more significant action.

p.113 “if you could attend…” Does this sound like her, or anyone? In any case, is she talking as her old self now rather than as Terri? Or as Theresa who’s been influenced by being Terri? Lots of possibilities for showing us how she’s changed with subtle shifts in character voice.

“is currently frozen” – does this sound natural? “is frozen solid right now”.

You’ll need to say Fashion Institute of Technology in full – most people won’t know what FIT is. Maybe less of a mouthful to say something like “Did I tell you I’m studying design at Parson’s?” But all this needs to be set up more. Let’s see her getting the confidence to apply. Were the other girls supportive? Forget the snotty desk clerk – let’s see her talk to someone at the school and get frightened off. Her whole burgeoning career needs to be much more tied in with her romance with Carter. Is his attitude supportive? Did she tell him she was applying? If not, why?

Gigi’s boutique is on Madison? Somewhere funkier like the East Village, surely.

p.114 How do we know these are Theresa’s designs?. As I said, this could be a joint venture between Gigi and Yetta for the large-size woman. Then we could see both of them doing something that would tell us more about them. Please make all the Hamlisches less broad and more three-dimensional. And you know how I feel about Uncle Morty and Helga.

Altogether too many smiles being exchanged in this party scene. Figure out what you’re using this as shorthand for and then convey that.

p.116 What made Carter change his mind? All these changes of heart come out of nowhere.

More smiles being exchanged! But I think this desk clerk scene may have to go if the original desk clerk scene goes. In any event, the end is something of a damp squib. Because there’s been no antagonist to overcome and no real conflict that’s reached a climax, the story just sort of fizzles out. Also, it’s hard to have much emotional investment in characters whose inner life is not touched on. You need to give each girl a goal and a struggle with an antagonist, or at least obstacles, to reach it. Questions of real identity and assumed identity and how much we reveal to a lover (because obviously few of us reveal our true identity, warts and all, to a romantic interest right away) and how we do reveal it eventually are, I think, at the heart of this story. If you can dramatize these questions effectively and present the characters you’ve got in a more rounded way you could really have something here.

I hope this is somewhat helpful. I know getting this barrage of things that are less than perfect can be discouraging, but it’s my job to point out the areas that need strengthening before you start sending it around so that when you do producers have no reason to turn it down. Congratulations on getting this far and coming up with such a potentially romantic but savvy story. I hope this is all somewhat useful and will provide a good jumping-off point for further discussion, even if only because you (and/or everyone else on the board) totally disagree with me.